My Mind's Cold Sleep
by Deathly Noted
Summary: SeiferxSquall. Just when everything seems to be coming together, Seifer returns to Balamb Garden, and Squall's mind spirals suddenly out of his control. As Seifer forces his way back into Squall's life, will someone else be forced out, and at what cost?


A few warnings before we begin…

Firstly, there will be no Rinoa bashing in this fanfic. Yes, it is Seifer/Squall, but I am trying very hard to portray _realistically_ how a transition could be made from Squall/Rinoa to Seifer/Squall. Rinoa and Squall love each other very, very much at the end of the game, so… this could take a while. XD; Since basically every Seifer/Squall fanfic I've read has simply brushed over this issue, it is my goal to deal with it properly and thereby create a Seifer/Squall fanfic that is close to… well, canon. I also want to stay as in character as possible, so please point out anything you feel is OOC! This will help me improve my fanfic's quality in the future.

Secondly, this first chapter is mostly an emotional and mental examination of Squall's character to set things up – not much action or humor here. Not much Seifer, either. o.O But things will be picking up quite a bit in the next chapter, if you can stay with me until then. So, here we go!

---

"Squall, hurry! It's _terrible_!"

'Terrible'? What is it now?

"Stop pounding on the door. I'm coming." Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, I grab my jacket and pull it on as I make my way across the room, more than a little irritated. After enduring an endless stream of parties and banquets over the past few days, I'm not even particularly pleased about the defeat of the sorceress anymore - I just want to go to bed.

"Seifer has broken in," Quistis blurts out as soon as I open the door.

……Seifer? What's going on?

"He's demanding to see the headmaster. I don't know what to do," she continues, gesturing helplessly with her hand. "The party-"

"I'll handle it. Alert the headmaster." Without waiting for a response, I take off down the hallway at a sprint, crash into the elevator, and slam on the button for the second floor, possibly hard enough to break it. The upward jerk of motion that follows increases tenfold the feeling of apprehension that's nestled itself into my stomach, but before I can convince myself to breathe, the doors have opened and I'm running again.

Why is he here? Does he want to fight? Rinoa… Is Rinoa safe?

I burst into the room, only to discover I rushed out of my dorm without Lionheart when I grope for it futilely. But there's no need. Zell and Irvine have Seifer pinned to the ground, albeit with some difficulty – Rinoa, apparently displeased, is clawing at an equally displeased Irvine. Just a few feet away, Selphie flails around Hyperion distractedly, forcing the surrounding swarm of students to step back and then forward again in a simultaneous effort to get a glimpse of Seifer and not lose any useful body parts. I bring my hand to my face in exasperation.

"STOP IT!" I shout, finally losing my patience. A hush falls over the crowd. Under the examination of countless eyes, I take a moment to both catch my breath and evaluate the situation. As Commander, I'm expected to determine the best course of action and give orders. "Everyone, return to your dorms." Okay, good, that's reasonable enough. But even I'm surprised by what slips out of my mouth next: "Zell, Irvine, let Seifer go. Immediately."

"Y...you can't be serious? He's dangerous!" Zell's grip on Seifer tightens. "I bet you he snuck in here to kill us... He even threatened the headmaster!"

Rinoa stamps her foot furiously at his words. "That's not true! All he did was ask to see him."

"Then he should have been directed to my office," Cid interjects, and all is quiet again. I turn briefly to salute him, and by the time I look back, Seifer is pushing past Irvine and Zell with a snarl. He snatches Hyperion away from Selphie as he walks briskly toward me. Each footstep he takes makes me feel more vulnerable, more desperate for Lionheart. My body stiffens, fists clenching in anticipation of an attack, but he walks past me without even glancing my way. I watch somewhat warily as he exits the room, Cid trailing behind.

"Return to your dorms," I repeat and follow them through the door, but it's as if a time lag has occurred. The hallway is empty, without even an echo of retreating footsteps to occupy the space. In the elevator, my finger finds the button for the first floor.

-

"Squall?"

I've almost reached my dorm when her voice sounds from behind me, startlingly close. With a lifetime of intensive training in combat awareness to my credit, I was unable to sense her pursuit… I must really be out of it.

"Yes?" I turn to face her, but her eyes are to the floor.

"I was just wondering if… I could sleep in your room tonight."

…Huh? Is she serious? I cross my arms, shift my weight to one side, and put my own eyes to the floor. However, met with the sight of Rinoa's foot twisting nervously on the tiles, my suspicions are overthrown; instead, a half-smile forms on my lips. She's serious.

"Okay." I take her hand in mine, leading her carefully up shaded steps. Even through a layer of thick, sticky leather, I can feel her fingers curl softly into my own, like a pulse.

-

I wake to shallow breaths against my cheek, to warm skin. In my arms, Rinoa still sleeps, smiling demurely. I understand now why she stayed with me last night - it was for my own sake. Without her soothing presence at my side, I would probably have lay awake for hours, thinking of him. My expression may be blank, but inside I feel frantic, threatened. Just when I think everything has been settled, he shows up again? It's like he's provoking me.

The mattress creaks beneath me as I untangle myself from both tousled sheets and Rinoa's smooth limbs, although I'm able to rise a bit more artfully. I pull clothes directly from where they lie strewn on the floor onto my body and remove Lionheart from its case, exiting the room in a matter of moments. The door clicks shut behind me. Turning away from it, I'm surprised to find that the hallway stretching out before my eyes is dim and deserted. I must not have slept for as long as I thought, Rinoa's good intentions aside.

I idle outside my dorm, remembering I have nowhere to go and nothing of importance to do, and after a long minute's indecision make for the training center. It's the only section of Garden I should technically be entering at this hour anyway, and if I can't sleep, I might as well do something moderately worthwhile. I've barely lifted my sword, let alone wielded it, in the days since Ultimecia's defeat, succumbing to both the laxness of my comrades and my own weariness. What a mistake. If Seifer were to challenge me now, would I be able to overtake him? I don't know, and that scares me. I need to be stronger. I need to be able to protect Rinoa.

Just as I walked here without giving any thought to my steps, each slice I make through the flesh of my enemies is automatic and utterly repetitive. Seifer, always hovering on the edge of my mind, drives me to drop the blade down for the last time, and then again, and again... and suddenly, I'm exhausted. It's a struggle just to keep my arms from collapsing to my sides. Why am I so weak? I stumble into the secret area with the last of my strength, slump to the ground, and sleep.

-

The next thing I'm aware of is a horrible stiffness in my neck. My eyes snap open to a display of slanted concrete. As I shift to push myself off the floor, Lionheart's hilt jabs mercilessly into my ribs, but I do not flinch; I'm too furious with myself. Not bothering to brush the filth or the cold from my body, I stride from the secret area and through the training center, emerge into a bright and bustling Garden, and curse myself for it. I head for the dormitory, but when I reach its wide entranceway, I remember Rinoa's presence therein and bypass it. My path curves around to the cafeteria, the quad, the infirmary. Finally, I pause in front of the elevator. Hand on my hip, I stare past a fern's wilting fronds to the worn blue carpeting inside and frown. What in Hyne's name am I doing? I shake my head and continue my trek along Garden's circumference.

Eventually, I find myself stalking down the hallway leading to the dormitory, even more frustrated than before and nearly sulking. I can feel my body sagging beneath me, though my hands are balled rigidly at my sides, straining not to punch something. I slam the door behind me, eyes narrowed and lips pursed, but my expression softens slightly when I observe that Rinoa's shoulders have shuddered at the harsh sound. She turns to me from a book, eyebrows raised high above wide eyes.

"Sorry," I offer tersely.

"What's wrong?" she asks. The concern in her voice makes me feel more guilty than comforted, and the guilt flares up into an intense shame when I realize that, despite all she's done for me, I still can't bring myself to respond to such a simple question. I cross the room and sink onto the bed, running my fingers through my hair.

Rinoa's bare feet approach me with a silent delicacy that befits her small frame but seems nevertheless foreign to it. Whether leaping into my arms with excitement, on her knees and shaking with fear, or pointing a finger accusingly my way, Rinoa's actions and emotions are always extreme - rigorously passionate. This breathless Rinoa, gently lending her warmth to my body as she settles onto the bed beside me and places a hand on my back, is one that I have never seen, and yet it is familiar to me. I hold my own breath, begging myself to be still, to not lean into her touch. I hate the part of myself that wants to be held by her until she is everything.

"It's Seifer, isn't it?"

And I give in.

-

She leaves me when she thinks I've fallen asleep. I don't protest. I listen to the whispers in the air that tell of the door's movements, imagining Rinoa's painted wings receding into a dark nothingness, and fight back the panic that grows within me. Not forever, I know it's not forever, but this ridiculous urge to follow her still swallows me. I glance at the now stagnant door, frozen as if it had never been touched, before throwing my arm over my eyes. I block out the world so easily with that motion, and yet my thoughts are beyond my control. Is Seifer still with the headmaster? What are they talking about? Or is he already gone? And why did he come back here in the first place? After what happened, after such stubbornness… _why_?

I don't want to think anymore, not about this. I roll onto my side, curl up, and am considering stretching out again when a sudden crackle of the intercom deadens my fidgeting body. "Squall, report to the bridge immediately. I repeat: Squall, report to the bridge immediately." For the first time, I'm actually grateful for Quistis' summons rather than annoyed. The prospect of being given something to do, of abandoning this whole problem for at least a short while, sedates me. I straighten myself out, step into the hall, and traverse Garden with a businesslike calmness.

Which, of course, shatters instantly at what the parting of the elevator doors reveals. I lock onto Seifer's form with a steadfast glare. Standing off in the darkest corner of the room, he would be practically invisible to those not suffering from a hypertensive sort of paranoia. Is this some kind of sick joke? My eyes search the room for an explanation, from the headmaster, to Quistis, to Rinoa, but no one speaks.

"Um…" Rinoa ventures, then cuts off abruptly when our eyes meet. Her focus reverts to her feet, but mine remains on her as I come to an unwanted revelation: Rinoa called this meeting.

"Yeah?" I demand, gritting my teeth. Nonetheless, a tone of distinct accusation makes its way into that single word, unable to be restrained.

"Rinoa has requested that we fulfill the terms of her contract: to liberate Timber," the headmaster explains, pauses, then continues, "which would also be an excellent opportunity to fulfill the requirements of Seifer's SeeD field exam. Quistis will be monitoring and grading her student, naturally."

Quistis wraps her hands around her elbows at the mention of her name but remains otherwise unresponsive. Unlike me. Wild with a mixture of horror and rage that I can't begin to keep in check, my eyes retrace my path around the room, once again lingering on Seifer - but this time he acknowledges the attention. An eyebrow quirks upward in recognition, causing my entire body to tense up. With increasing agitation, I fix my gaze back on the headmaster, stifle my feelings as best I can, and break the silence.

"What does that have to do with me?" I inquire of the headmaster. I'm already aware of what his answer will be, and somehow, this only makes me dread it more.

"You're squad leader; that hasn't been changed. With Rinoa's consent, Selphie and Zell have left the party in order to aid Trabia Garden and Balamb, respectively," he replies with ease. "Since the four of you will be taking the first train out from Balamb tomorrow morning, I'll allow you to make any necessary preparations now. Dismissed."

This really, really has to be a joke.

---

Next up, our hero begins his fun-filled mission to liberate Timber! The coming chapter will be less psychological and more eventful, with actual dialogue, interaction between characters, and other thrills you'd generally expect in a romance fanfic!

…That is, if there _is_ a chapter two. This may sound snotty, but it's also the truth: I'll probably drop this fanfic if I don't get many reviews. (Or at the very least, not feel motivated to update quickly.) Like most writers, I thrive on feedback, so hit me with some C&C! Thank you for your time.


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